JAPAN | SANIN SANYO．反思 | 2023 Dec.
自我反思，是我最近一直在練習的事，而擺脫陰鬱，更是我現在必須克服的挑戰。
透過不斷的自省，我希望能夠找到內心的平靜，重新掌握自己的生活方向。
Self-reflection is something I have been practicing recently, and overcoming gloom is a challenge I must face now.
Through constant introspection, I hope to find inner peace and regain control over the direction of my life.
最近，我一直在反思自己的生活和工作模式。
雖然並非完全陷入負面情緒，但總覺得日常生活中少了些什麼，是激情？還是火花？
我努力尋找能讓自己打從心底開心、快樂的事物，卻總是找不到⋯
是否因為太久沒有出國？
但今年 (2024) 2月，才剛從東京回台灣。
或許是太久沒有購置新的攝影器材？
不過，目前的配置已足以應付工作、旅行拍攝和街頭攝影的需求，完全不需要急於更新器材。
電腦設備更不是問題，新入手的MacBook Pro (滿血M3 Pro) 效能爆強，而且從Windows轉向Mac的不適應感幾乎可以忽略不計，根本微乎其微。
缺錢嗎？哈！這世界上誰不缺錢，對吧？
這好像是每個人每天都在煩惱的事。
是職業倦怠嗎？ 這確實有些許可能，但一點點的倦怠感，真的足以影響我的整體情緒嗎？ 還是說，該不會是要調整一下身心科的藥？不過前天回診的時候，醫生也沒說要調整用藥啊！
究竟是什麼原因導致這種煩悶情緒？目前我仍然無法確定。
既然自己都找不到原因，那我就放過自己吧！
不要再糾結於尋找答案，我只能告訴自己不要再鑽牛角尖！ 有時候，答案並不是立即可得的，生活的意義和快樂往往在不經意間悄然而至。
或許，我需要的只是一些時間，一些耐心，以及對自己更多的理解和包容。
雖然並非完全陷入負面情緒，但總覺得日常生活中少了些什麼，是激情？還是火花？
我努力尋找能讓自己打從心底開心、快樂的事物，卻總是找不到⋯
是否因為太久沒有出國？
但今年 (2024) 2月，才剛從東京回台灣。
或許是太久沒有購置新的攝影器材？
不過，目前的配置已足以應付工作、旅行拍攝和街頭攝影的需求，完全不需要急於更新器材。
電腦設備更不是問題，新入手的MacBook Pro (滿血M3 Pro) 效能爆強，而且從Windows轉向Mac的不適應感幾乎可以忽略不計，根本微乎其微。
缺錢嗎？哈！這世界上誰不缺錢，對吧？
這好像是每個人每天都在煩惱的事。
是職業倦怠嗎？ 這確實有些許可能，但一點點的倦怠感，真的足以影響我的整體情緒嗎？ 還是說，該不會是要調整一下身心科的藥？不過前天回診的時候，醫生也沒說要調整用藥啊！
究竟是什麼原因導致這種煩悶情緒？目前我仍然無法確定。
既然自己都找不到原因，那我就放過自己吧！
不要再糾結於尋找答案，我只能告訴自己不要再鑽牛角尖！ 有時候，答案並不是立即可得的，生活的意義和快樂往往在不經意間悄然而至。
或許，我需要的只是一些時間，一些耐心，以及對自己更多的理解和包容。
Recently, I've been reflecting on my life and work patterns.
Although I'm not entirely consumed by negative emotions, I always feel like something is missing in my daily life. Is it passion? Or a spark?
I've been trying hard to find something that genuinely makes me happy, but I always come up empty-handed.
Is it because I haven't traveled abroad for a long time?
But I just returned to Taiwan from Tokyo this February (2024).
Could it be because I haven't purchased new photography equipment for a long time?
However, my current setup is more than sufficient for work, travel photography, and street photography. There's no urgent need to upgrade my equipment.
Computer equipment isn't an issue either. The newly acquired MacBook Pro (full-powered M3 Pro) has outstanding performance, and the transition from Windows to Mac has been barely noticeable.
Lack of money? Haha! Who doesn't lack money in this world, right? It seems to be a daily concern for everyone.
Is it professional burnout?
There is indeed a slight possibility of that, but can a bit of burnout really affect my overall mood?
Or perhaps it's time to adjust my psychiatric medication? But during my follow-up appointment the day before yesterday, the doctor didn't mention any need to adjust the medication!
What exactly is causing this feeling of frustration? I still can't figure it out.
Since I can't find the reason, I should just let it go!
I need to stop obsessing over finding the answer and tell myself not to overthink it!
Sometimes, answers aren't immediately available. The meaning of life and happiness often come quietly and unexpectedly.
Maybe what I need is just some time, some patience, and a bit more understanding and compassion for myself.
最近我腦中總是在思考一個問題：「如何超越現在的自己？」
這個問題應該有很多人都曾經思考過，甚至現在正在思考，未來也可能繼續思考吧？
既然我心中已經有了這個問題，那我就必須找出原因，為什麼最近無論是在拍照還是後製時，都感到倍感疲乏無力，快樂不起來？
在過去的一段時間裡，我總是糾結於追蹤人數和讚數，讓自己陷入了instagram流量的束縛，每當看著後台數據時，心裡的壓力都會達到了爆表的程度！
這個問題應該有很多人都曾經思考過，甚至現在正在思考，未來也可能繼續思考吧？
既然我心中已經有了這個問題，那我就必須找出原因，為什麼最近無論是在拍照還是後製時，都感到倍感疲乏無力，快樂不起來？
在過去的一段時間裡，我總是糾結於追蹤人數和讚數，讓自己陷入了instagram流量的束縛，每當看著後台數據時，心裡的壓力都會達到了爆表的程度！
比如說，今天有幾個新追蹤者，有多少人取消追蹤，單篇貼文有多少讚數，總追蹤人數是多少，我該做些什麼才能提升自己的流量，如何發文才能透過演算法讓更多人看見自己⋯⋯這些問題不斷困擾著我。
我曾經一度想關閉公眾帳號，或是直接刪除帳號，然後完全在instagram消失，甚至是連同其他平台也一起說再見！
我相信此時應該有人也處於如我描述的狀態吧？ 前兩天，「追蹤人數、讚數、流量，這些真的重要嗎？」、「假設今天我的追蹤人數達到210萬，那又如何？我會比較快樂嗎？」這些念頭一閃而過！
然後，我開始問自己： 「我如今是為了那些冷冰冰的後台數據而創作嗎？ 還是為了當初那份對於美術的熱血理念而創作呢？
如果我是為了追蹤人數、讚數、流量這些束縛，迫使自己像在交作業一樣的創作，那創作的意義何在？
這些數據束縛，會讓我過於在意大家對自己的看法，導致完全為了迎合大家喜歡的色調和類型，逐漸變成一個固定風格的創作公式，無法隨心所欲的伸展拳腳去創作，這樣對自己是好的嗎？
那些數據，真的代表著我真實的能力嗎？ 還是它們只是綁住我的無形鎖鏈，讓未來的自己根本無法超越現在的自己，這是我想要的嗎？」
經過這些反思，我意識到，我必須找回當初那份純粹的熱情，為了創作本身而創作，而不是被數據所驅使。
我需要重新定義自己的創作意義，擺脫那些冷冰冰的後台數據，讓自己的創作更自由、更真實，這樣才能真正超越現在的自己！
Recently, a question has been on my mind: "How can I surpass my current self?"
This is a question many people have pondered before, are pondering now, and might continue to ponder in the future.
Since this question has already arisen in my heart, I must find out why I have recently felt so exhausted and joyless, whether in taking photos or in post-processing.
In the past, I was always caught up in the numbers of followers and likes, trapping myself in the constraints of Instagram metrics. Every time I looked at the backend data, the pressure in my heart would skyrocket!
For example, I would worry about how many new followers I gained today, how many people unfollowed me, how many likes a single post received, what my total number of followers was, what I should do to increase my traffic, and how to post in a way that the algorithm would show my content to more people. These questions constantly troubled me.
I once seriously considered closing my public account or even deleting it entirely, disappearing from Instagram, and perhaps saying goodbye to other platforms as well!
I believe there are people right now who might be feeling the same way I described.
A couple of days ago, thoughts flashed through my mind: "Do the number of followers, likes, and traffic really matter?", "If I reach 2.1 million followers, so what? Would I be happier?"
Then, I began to ask myself:
"Am I creating for those cold, impersonal backend numbers, or for the passionate ideals of art I initially had?
If I am forcing myself to create like turning in assignments just to chase followers, likes, and traffic, then what is the meaning of creation?
These constraints make me overly concerned about what everyone thinks of me, leading me to cater to popular color tones and styles, gradually turning my work into a fixed formula, unable to freely create as I wish. Is this good for me?
Do these numbers truly represent my real ability, or are they just invisible chains binding me, making it impossible for my future self to surpass my current self? Is this what I want?"
Through these reflections, I realized that I must rediscover that original, pure passion and create for the sake of creation itself, not driven by data.
I need to redefine the meaning of my work, break free from those cold backend numbers, and make my creations more free and genuine. Only then can I truly surpass my current self!
如上述所說：「如何超越現在的自己？」後，我又反思到一件同樣重要的事情。
回顧過去，我發現自己一直處於「工作狀態」，如同這張照片中的招牌一樣，長時間點亮著「營業中」，無法像照片中的兩位人物那樣好好地坐下來休息。 這張照片讓我直面內心世界，揭示了被我長期忽略的疲憊和壓力。
許多人可能以為我經常出國旅行拍照，享受著無憂無慮的旅程，不斷探索新的景點，沉浸在異國風情中；但事實並非如此，我的旅行並不是大家想像中的放鬆和愉快。
相反，每次出國時，我都處於高度緊繃和壓力之中，別人說的那種出國「大啖美食、放空心靈、瘋狂購物」的開心，不知道多久沒在我的身上出現過了。
正如上述所提到的，我被 instagram 的追蹤人數、讚數、流量的數據給綁架了，迫使自己每次出國旅行時，就像在交作業一樣，不停尋找構圖、光線、按下快門。
在 90% 的時間裡，我完全無法放鬆，吃飯也是在便利商店買個麵包、泡麵，或是隨便找間小餐館三兩下解決進食；唯有在洗澡和睡眠時，才是我真正放鬆的時刻。
最近，在反思自己為什麼「倍感疲乏，且總是不快樂」時，我才驚覺，其中一個原因是我將「出國拍照」與「工作模式」劃上了等號。
我的潛意識中，將旅行視為一種工作，導致心中那盞「營業中」的燈光沒有熄滅的機會，這讓我無法真正享受旅行的過程，反而讓自己陷入了無盡的疲憊迴圈中。
這樣的心態，使得每次旅行都變成了一次工作任務，我不停地在景點之間奔波，努力尋找最佳的拍攝角度，生怕錯過任何一個瞬間。
每次按下快門，我都在思考這張照片是否能夠引起關注、獲得更多的讚數，讓更多人看到我的作品，處於這種壓力之中，讓我無法真正放下心來享受旅程。
近來我開始意識到，這樣的旅行方式並不健康，除了上述我說的「我必須找回當初那份純粹的熱情，為了創作本身而創作」之外，我還需要重新調整自己的旅行心態，讓它回到真正放鬆和充電的方式，而不是時常處於另一種形式的工作狀態，一味地想方設法用畫面去控制那些後台數據的增減。
過去，我總是被淹沒在拍攝的壓力中，忽略了旅行的初衷和樂趣。
未來，當我能夠隨心地關掉「營業中」的燈光，讓自己真正放鬆下來，我相信我會發現旅程中更多的美好，內心也會變得更加充實和平靜，重新燃起對旅行與創作的熱情。
這不僅僅是為了追求更好的作品，更是為了找回那份久違的快樂和滿足，希望在未來的每段旅程中，我都能夠真正活在當下，享受每一刻的美好。
回顧過去，我發現自己一直處於「工作狀態」，如同這張照片中的招牌一樣，長時間點亮著「營業中」，無法像照片中的兩位人物那樣好好地坐下來休息。 這張照片讓我直面內心世界，揭示了被我長期忽略的疲憊和壓力。
許多人可能以為我經常出國旅行拍照，享受著無憂無慮的旅程，不斷探索新的景點，沉浸在異國風情中；但事實並非如此，我的旅行並不是大家想像中的放鬆和愉快。
相反，每次出國時，我都處於高度緊繃和壓力之中，別人說的那種出國「大啖美食、放空心靈、瘋狂購物」的開心，不知道多久沒在我的身上出現過了。
正如上述所提到的，我被 instagram 的追蹤人數、讚數、流量的數據給綁架了，迫使自己每次出國旅行時，就像在交作業一樣，不停尋找構圖、光線、按下快門。
在 90% 的時間裡，我完全無法放鬆，吃飯也是在便利商店買個麵包、泡麵，或是隨便找間小餐館三兩下解決進食；唯有在洗澡和睡眠時，才是我真正放鬆的時刻。
最近，在反思自己為什麼「倍感疲乏，且總是不快樂」時，我才驚覺，其中一個原因是我將「出國拍照」與「工作模式」劃上了等號。
我的潛意識中，將旅行視為一種工作，導致心中那盞「營業中」的燈光沒有熄滅的機會，這讓我無法真正享受旅行的過程，反而讓自己陷入了無盡的疲憊迴圈中。
這樣的心態，使得每次旅行都變成了一次工作任務，我不停地在景點之間奔波，努力尋找最佳的拍攝角度，生怕錯過任何一個瞬間。
每次按下快門，我都在思考這張照片是否能夠引起關注、獲得更多的讚數，讓更多人看到我的作品，處於這種壓力之中，讓我無法真正放下心來享受旅程。
近來我開始意識到，這樣的旅行方式並不健康，除了上述我說的「我必須找回當初那份純粹的熱情，為了創作本身而創作」之外，我還需要重新調整自己的旅行心態，讓它回到真正放鬆和充電的方式，而不是時常處於另一種形式的工作狀態，一味地想方設法用畫面去控制那些後台數據的增減。
過去，我總是被淹沒在拍攝的壓力中，忽略了旅行的初衷和樂趣。
未來，當我能夠隨心地關掉「營業中」的燈光，讓自己真正放鬆下來，我相信我會發現旅程中更多的美好，內心也會變得更加充實和平靜，重新燃起對旅行與創作的熱情。
這不僅僅是為了追求更好的作品，更是為了找回那份久違的快樂和滿足，希望在未來的每段旅程中，我都能夠真正活在當下，享受每一刻的美好。
As mentioned above, "How can I surpass my current self?" I reflected on another equally important matter.
Looking back, I realized that I have always been in "work mode," like the sign in this photo, perpetually lit with "Open," unable to sit down and rest like the two people in the picture. This photo made me confront my inner world, revealing the fatigue and stress I've long ignored.
Many people might think that I often travel abroad to take photos, enjoying carefree trips, constantly exploring new places, and immersing myself in exotic cultures. But the reality is different; my travels are not as relaxing and enjoyable as people imagine.
On the contrary, every time I travel abroad, I am under immense tension and pressure. The kind of happiness others talk about—indulging in gourmet food, clearing the mind, and shopping crazily—hasn't appeared in my life for a long time.
As mentioned above, I was held captive by the number of followers, likes, and traffic on Instagram, forcing myself to treat each trip like an assignment, constantly searching for compositions, lighting, and pressing the shutter.
For 90% of the time, I couldn't relax at all. Meals were just grabbing bread or instant noodles from a convenience store or quickly settling for a small restaurant. Only during bathing and sleeping did I truly relax.
Recently, reflecting on why I feel "exhausted and perpetually unhappy," I realized that one reason is that I equate "travel photography" with "work mode."
In my subconscious, I regarded traveling as a form of work, causing the "Open" sign in my heart to never have a chance to turn off. This prevented me from genuinely enjoying the travel experience, trapping me in an endless cycle of fatigue.
This mindset turned every trip into a work mission. I constantly rushed between locations, striving to find the best shooting angles, fearing to miss any moment.
Every time I pressed the shutter, I wondered if this photo would attract attention, get more likes, and reach a broader audience. Being under such pressure made it impossible for me to truly relax and enjoy the journey.
Lately, I've realized that this way of traveling is unhealthy. In addition to what I mentioned before, "I must rediscover that original, pure passion and create for the sake of creation itself," I also need to readjust my mindset toward traveling. I should return to traveling as a way to relax and recharge, instead of being in another form of work mode, constantly trying to manipulate those backend numbers with my images.
In the past, I was always overwhelmed by the pressure of photography, neglecting the original intention and joy of traveling.
In the future, when I can freely turn off the "Open" sign and truly relax, I believe I will find more beauty in my journeys. My inner self will become more fulfilled and peaceful, rekindling my passion for travel and creation.
This is not just about pursuing better works, but also about rediscovering that long-lost happiness and satisfaction.
I hope that in every journey to come, I can truly live in the moment and enjoy every beautiful moment.
I hope that in every journey to come, I can truly live in the moment and enjoy every beautiful moment.
經過上述的深省後，我找到了自己的問題所在。
我發現，只有時常跳脫自身的潛在思想，以第三人稱且客觀的方式來審視自己，才能真正看清自己的問題點。
這個概念有點像靈魂出竅，或者說是以上帝視角觀看自己的感覺；換句話說，就如同從鏡中看自己一樣。
「當局者迷，旁觀者清」這句俚語正好逆證了我的觀點。
當我將自己的角色變成旁觀者時，才能清楚地看見自己的困擾，雖然這樣做很難，但這種暫時的「人格分裂」是唯一能自我療癒的方式。
這種方法需要一定的練習和自我反省，但卻是必要、可控且無害的，讓我能夠面對問題，找出真正的解決之道。
這些年，我受困於情緒低落，目前的自己雖然還在接受身心科的治療，服用處方藥物控制，並靠著宗教信仰支撐著自己，但這些都只是一把梯子的組成要件而已。
如果我無法藉由這把已組裝好的梯子，慢慢往上攀出陰霾，而是繼續糾結於已不可逆的過去泥淖，那麼未來的我，註定無法痊癒。
這些反思讓我了解到，問題解套關鍵，在於轉變自己的視角，從自身的困境中抽離出來，以旁觀者的身份重新審視自己的問題點，才能突破盲點。
很多時候，正是因為我太過貼近自己的問題，反而無法看清問題的癥結點。
在過去，我總是被負面的情緒所困，無法擺脫憂鬱、焦慮和壓力。這種內在的糾結讓我感到無力和迷茫。
如今，我應該要試著開始以第三人稱的視角，來看待自己的問題，或許會發現很多方面其實並不如想像中那麼糟糕吧？
這個概念有點像靈魂出竅，或者說是以上帝視角觀看自己的感覺；換句話說，就如同從鏡中看自己一樣。
「當局者迷，旁觀者清」這句俚語正好逆證了我的觀點。
當我將自己的角色變成旁觀者時，才能清楚地看見自己的困擾，雖然這樣做很難，但這種暫時的「人格分裂」是唯一能自我療癒的方式。
這種方法需要一定的練習和自我反省，但卻是必要、可控且無害的，讓我能夠面對問題，找出真正的解決之道。
這些年，我受困於情緒低落，目前的自己雖然還在接受身心科的治療，服用處方藥物控制，並靠著宗教信仰支撐著自己，但這些都只是一把梯子的組成要件而已。
如果我無法藉由這把已組裝好的梯子，慢慢往上攀出陰霾，而是繼續糾結於已不可逆的過去泥淖，那麼未來的我，註定無法痊癒。
這些反思讓我了解到，問題解套關鍵，在於轉變自己的視角，從自身的困境中抽離出來，以旁觀者的身份重新審視自己的問題點，才能突破盲點。
很多時候，正是因為我太過貼近自己的問題，反而無法看清問題的癥結點。
在過去，我總是被負面的情緒所困，無法擺脫憂鬱、焦慮和壓力。這種內在的糾結讓我感到無力和迷茫。
如今，我應該要試著開始以第三人稱的視角，來看待自己的問題，或許會發現很多方面其實並不如想像中那麼糟糕吧？
After the profound reflection mentioned above, I discovered the root of my problem.
I found that only by frequently stepping out of my subconscious thoughts and examining myself in a third-person and objective manner can I truly see my issues.
This concept is somewhat like an out-of-body experience, or seeing oneself from a god's-eye view; in other words, it’s like looking at myself in a mirror.
The saying "the onlooker sees more clearly than the player" perfectly supports my perspective.
When I assume the role of an observer, I can clearly see my troubles. Although it is difficult to do so, this temporary "split personality" is the only way to self-heal.
This method requires practice and self-reflection, but it is necessary, controllable, and harmless. It allows me to face problems and find the real solutions.
Over the years, I have been trapped in low spirits. Although I am currently receiving psychiatric treatment, taking prescription medication, and relying on my religious faith to support myself, these are just components of a ladder.
If I cannot use this assembled ladder to slowly climb out of the shadows and continue to be entangled in the irreversible past, then my future self is destined to remain unhealed.
These reflections made me realize that the key to solving the problem lies in changing my perspective, detaching myself from my predicament, and re-examining my issues as an observer to break through my blind spots.
Many times, it is precisely because I am too close to my problems that I cannot see the crux of the issue.
In the past, I was always trapped by negative emotions, unable to escape from depression, anxiety, and stress. This internal struggle made me feel powerless and confused.
Now, I should try to view my problems from a third-person perspective. Perhaps I will find that many aspects are not as bad as I imagined?
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「街頭攝影，就是在為你所處的時代，記錄下一段歷史的曾經。」- Mark5347
( Street photography is about capturing a piece of history for the era in which you live. )
( Street photography is about capturing a piece of history for the era in which you live. )
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